It’s very rare to have one good friend in life that sticks closer than a brother. Yet it’s nearly impossible to walk through trial and hardship without those kinds of friends surrounding you who are willing to hold you up during tough times. Almost the entire book of Job is an account of Job’s friends blaming him for his misfortune. Sure, they mean well, but even the most well-meaning friends can say the most damaging things, especially when you’re already wounded.

When you find yourself on your back in the middle of the Valley of the Shadow of Death, the last thing you need is a lecture, blame-shift- ing, or pithy theological phrases to get you through. "This will all work out for the better.” “She’s in a better place.” “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” “At least you are young enough to still get remarried.”

While these platitudes sound great, and while there may be an ounce of truth in some of them, they are the last thing you need or want to hear. What you need — and what most of us desire deep down — is a strong support system. You need people who are going to sit with you, cry with you, and try to understand your pain.

There is an ancient Jewish practice called Sitting Shiva. When someone lost a loved one, the immediate family of the bereaved would go and sit with the mourner for seven days. They hardly spoke, they didn’t offer pat answers, and they didn’t try to explain anything. They just wept with the mourner. They entered into their suffering through the power of presence.

God promised that He’d never leave us during times of trial. He is always present. Sometimes He shows up directly through His Word or through a strong impression from the Holy Spirit. But many times He'll use others’ comfort and presence to show you that He cares. He uses the “Body of Christ” to gather around you when you’re struggling. This truth remains in good times and in bad — it’s impossible to do this life alone. We need each other.

Oak trees are often planted together in bunch- es. As they grow and mature, their root systems will become intertwined and provide the whole grove of trees extra strength. So if a storm comes, the trees are interconnected below the ground and hold sturdy despite the strong winds. If one oak tree is lacking nutrients for itself, it’s able to draw on the roots of the other oak trees, thus all remain healthy and strong through the worst weather conditions.

I will warn you. Pain often provokes significant shifts in our community. And sometimes these shifts are a troubling secondary pain. You’ll be surprised at the people whom you thought were close friends but didn’t show up for you. Most people, including your close friends, have great intentions, they just don’t know how to show up for you. They avoid pain in their own life so it’s difficult to know how to step into someone else’s pain. It’s almost as if they think trauma or tragedy is some kind of contagious disease you can catch. If they get around you, something’s liable to happen to them too. Give them the same grace you desire others to give you. Have open and honest, grace-filled conversations with them about what you need right now.

On the other hand, you’ll also be pleasantly surprised by the people you never knew previ- ously who show up for you in significant ways. They become great friends who can help you in this season of pain and help you transition into your next season of purpose.

There is also a phenomenon that typically takes place in relationships after trauma or tragedy, where as you begin to heal and move forward into your new future, many people whom you leaned on for support during recovery, won’t know how to transition with you into the next season. In short, they don’t know how to transition their role in your life. They once were very protective of you, but now that protectiveness has shifted to possessiveness because they’re having trouble letting go of the position they once held in your life. I wish someone had warned me that this was normal. It would have spared me a lot of heartache. When this began occurring to me, I found myself wounded by these people, recoiling and becoming afraid to let others into my life again. This led to painful seasons of loneliness and isolation and because of that there were seasons I lacked spiritual nutrients I needed from others’ root systems.

No matter what season you’re in, find your people and pull them close. Dig your tap root deep down into the Living Stream that runs way below the surface, and spread your other roots out to connect with others.

This is how God designed us — to be connected with safe, open, vulnerable, loyal friends who will stick closer than a brother (or sister) during tough times. These relationships do not happen by default, only by design. They require intentionality and time to forge, but the sacrifice is worth it in the end. 

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND JOURNALING:

1. Who would you say are your closest supporters and friends?

2. How honest do you feel like you can be with this group? 

3. If you are in need of people to walk with you in your valley, who could you invite into your pain to support you in it?

4. Would you say the friendships you have in your life deplete you or pour life into you? Are they encouraging and hopeful, or are they negative and cynical?

5. Who in your life is in need of someone to care for them in their pain? How can you walk alongside them even in the middle of your own trials?

PRAYER:

Lord, I know it’s all the more difficult for me to walk through life in an abundant way without a strong community around me. Would you surround me with safe people who accept me in my brokenness and point me to you in a life-giving way? Help me to be that kind of friend to people in my life as well.