What to Say (and Not Say) When Someone in Your Church Is Suffering
What to Say (and Not Say) When Someone in Your Church Is Suffering
An Essential Guide for Pastors, Ministry Leaders, and Churches Caring for the Hurting
As a pastor, church leader, or someone who serves in ministry, you’ve likely faced this moment: someone in your congregation experiences deep grief, trauma, loss, or suffering, and you want to help—but you're unsure of what to say. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, a divorce, a health crisis, or another painful life event, knowing how to respond with compassion can be challenging.
If you've experienced pain yourself, you understand that words meant to comfort can sometimes unintentionally hurt. That's why it’s so important for ministry leaders to learn how to walk with people through suffering in a way that reflects the heart of Jesus.
Scripture calls us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). This isn’t just good advice—it’s a biblical call to show empathy, presence, and grace in moments of sorrow. So what do you actually say when someone in your church is hurting? And what should you avoid?
What Not to Say to Someone in Pain
1. “At least…”
Why it's harmful: Starting a sentence with “At least…” often minimizes a person’s suffering.
What to say instead: “I can see that this is incredibly hard. I want to walk with you through it.”
People don’t need silver linings in their earliest moments of grief. They need space to grieve losses honestly, without pressure to feel better.
2. “Have you tried praying more?”
Why it's harmful: This can come across as spiritual judgment or blame.
What to say instead: “Can I pray for you right now, especially if it’s hard for you to pray?”
In moments of deep pain, people don’t need quick spiritual fixes—they need compassionate companions in their suffering.
3. “Everything happens for a reason.”
Why it's harmful: This phrase often oversimplifies complex pain.
What to say instead: “I don’t know why this is happening, but I know it hurts—and I’m with you.”
While we trust that God works all things together for good (Romans 8:28), not every moment needs to be explained. People need room to feel their pain without rushing to a reason.
4. “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
Why it's harmful: This is not biblically accurate and can isolate the suffering.
What to say instead: “This is more than anyone should have to carry. I want to help carry it with you.”
The truth is, life often gives us more than we can handle alone—that’s why we need God’s presence, and the presence of the Body of Christ.
Access the Trauma Informed Leader Toolkit for Free
This 4-part video series will help you and your team begin the conversation of how trauma is impacting your community. The Trauma Informed Leader Toolkit will equip you with what you need to know about the way trauma works in individuals, and how you can start to create environments for healing.
What To Say When Someone Is Grieving or Suffering
There’s no perfect script, but here are some simple, powerful phrases that bring comfort, empathy, and emotional support to people walking through grief, trauma, and pain:
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.
“That sounds incredibly difficult. Can I just sit with you?”
“Would you like to talk about it, or would you prefer quiet company?”
“Can I pray for you right now—or would you prefer space?”
These phrases don’t try to fix anything—they offer what is most needed: presence, validation, and love.
Beyond Words: The Ministry of Presence in the Church
In pastoral care and church ministry, one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone in crisis is your presence. Often, fewer words are best. What most people long for in the midst of trauma is someone who will simply be with them in the pain.
Look at Job’s friends: when they first arrived, they sat in silence with Job for seven days. That silent presence was comforting—until they began speaking and unintentionally added more pain.
Compassion, from the Latin compati, literally means “to suffer with.” It’s not about fixing—it’s about showing up.
Practical Ways to Support Someone in Pain or Grief
In addition to your presence, practical support can be a lifeline. People walking through trauma or grief often struggle to ask for help or even name what they need. Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything,” offer something specific:
“I’d like to bring dinner on Tuesday night. Does 5 p.m. work?”
“Would it help more if I took the kids for an afternoon or came over to fold laundry?”
“I’ll walk your dog every morning this week. Just leave the leash out.”
Specific offers reduce pressure on the person who’s hurting—and make it easier for them to say “yes.”
Equipping the Church to Care for the Hurting
If you’re a pastor or ministry leader, one of your greatest responsibilities is to equip your congregation to care well for each other. You can’t carry every burden alone, and you weren’t meant to.
Teach your church how to enter into each other’s suffering. Use sermons, small group training, and pastoral counseling resources to cultivate a trauma-informed, compassionate church culture. When the Body of Christ acts as a true body—caring for one another—it reflects the heart of God more than any sermon ever could.
Final Encouragement to Pastors and Church Leaders
It’s okay not to have the perfect words when you're sitting with someone in pain. In fact, perfect words aren’t required. What the hurting need most is your presence, your empathy, and your compassion.
Being a compassionate witness to someone’s suffering is one of the most Christlike things you can do. God often uses these moments—not your explanations, but your presence—to begin His healing work.
As a pastor, ministry leader, or church caregiver, your willingness to walk into another’s pain may be the very thing God uses to restore their hope.
Want more trauma-informed care resources for your church or ministry team?
Creating a safe church environment for trauma survivors may feel overwhelming, but it’s possible to cultivate a compassionate community that fosters healing. Start by praying for wisdom, understanding, and guidance as you work to meet the needs of those in pain.
Resources for Your Church:
At Nothing is Wasted, we offer tools to help churches become trauma-informed and create spaces of healing. Our Pain to Purpose curriculum helps churches facilitate open conversations, build peer-to-peer support, and guide individuals through a holistic emotional, spiritual, and physical healing process.
We also invite you to explore our free Trauma-Informed Leader Toolkit, which will help your leadership team become more trauma-sensitive and create an environment where those suffering from trauma can find healing and hope.
By taking intentional steps to create a trauma-informed church, you’ll provide a refuge for the hurting and create a community of hope, healing, and restoration.