On January 22nd, 2018 my father-in-law, Phil Byars, and I are leading a 9-day tour in Israel. This will be my second trip to Israel. My first was with NewSpring Church and was led by Perry Noble and Brad Cooper. They invited me to go April of 2016, five months after Amanda passed. It was so amazing I decided I had to go back and lead a trip! I’d love to invite you to come with us, but let me first tell you why I’m going back:

You see I truly believe The Lord does something powerful through relationship and connectivity. I believe it’s one of the main ways he shows us He’s in our situation with us. I believe it’s one of the best ways to show us He’s walking through the valley of the shadow of death with us. Although we can’t tangibly see God and not many of us have actually heard his audible voice, He places His representatives—His ambassadors—other Christians with similar stories in our paths to remind us he sees us and knows our situation. He wants us to know He hasn’t left us alone but that he’s working it all out for our good in His master plan.

This morning I dropped Weston off for his first day of preschool. 

Let me tell you what may have just happened to every school-aged mom who read that sentence. Immediately your senses flooded with the gamut of emotions you felt the first day you dropped your kid/s off at school. How is it in one moment you can simultaneously beam with pride, lament how fast he’s growing up and how time seems to be slipping away from you, and grimace in pain as nervous knots tie up your stomach while you wonder how he’s going to do?

When we got back to the hotel that afternoon I began thinking more about it. I felt like I had just experienced a little taste of what heaven will be like. I believe that every moment of awe we experience on earth is just the appetizer for heaven. You and I could spend every waking moment of our lifetime seeking new adventure and discovering new places and never tap into the full creative expanse of God. He is a master creator, and I believe both science and scripture point us to the fact that God’s creativity is limitless.

I peered over the horizon and thought about the significance of the sunset in front of me, a symbol of the closing of a perfect day. I silently begged the sun to stand still right where it was. If I just stared straight at the sunset I could almost imagine being there 10 years earlier with Amanda. I wanted to freeze that feeling, but as the sun continued to fade that feeling fled from me. 

I’ve been thinking a lot of Heaven lately. Maybe it’s the turning of the harsh Indiana winter into a soft spring and warm summer and the fresh blossoms swaying in the breeze that transports my senses to the celestial paradise. Maybe it’s because I had a lot of time to sit by the ocean last week while on vacation and think about what our final resting place will be like. Maybe it’s because the week before vacation was a marking day in my healing journey—May 18th my unborn baby, Evie Grace, would have turned one year. Whatever the reason, the peaceful pace of vacation had my brain spinning with what life’s like on the other side. 

I realized in that moment how important the Bible has been to my life—especially in the last eighteen months. It has been the the anchor of truth for my soul in the swirling squall of tragedy. The Bible has been a sweet, refreshing drink to my parched soul. I truly want my congregation (and you) to form a LOVE for, an OBSESSION with, and even an ADDICTION to God’s Word.

It was our senior year of college (Amanda completed her two year degree), and we were graduating on the SAME DAY (with our awesome brother James)! In the week leading up to graduation, Amanda and I decided we needed a haircut. We walked into the salon, and the lady at the front desk asked if we were twins. (We get this a lot).

I’m confident one of the most instrumental components to a healing plan is rest. I know this seems obvious but you’d be surprised how few sufferers of tragedy and trauma actually practice rest. Over the last eighteen months I’ve struggled with resting.

I’m often asked if there are any resources I would suggest for people who are walking through a trial or suffering of some sort. Since Amanda passed I’ve read a number of books that have helped frame in me a theology of suffering. These resources have offered me handholds for discovering purpose in my pain.

As time goes on, your heart should increasingly be convinced of: "I can't believe I’m hers, and I can’t believe she’s mine." And not just because you're trying to project some kind of online image that you have a fairy tale relationship or because you’re merely in love with the idea of love. Do you actually feel that inherently - and increasingly - about her?

This project was conceived out of hurt, nurtured through healing, and will be delivered as hope. Discovering hope for yourself after hurt takes time, but it can be transferred in a moment. Sometimes you need to borrow other people’s faith when your faith is faltering.

I decided to write Part 2 and Part 3 as if I were sitting down with Weston when he's 22 years old, dating a girl, and getting ready to pop the question. These are the questions I’d ask him:

Now that I reflect on Amanda and our relationship I think to myself, how in the world did I know she was "the one" for me? There must have been some indicators. There must of been some tell-tales that made me fall so head-over heels, that compelled me to put so many of my personal ambitions and dreams lower on the priority list in order to pursue her heart.

Tragedy - especially death - has a way of clarifying things. When you lose the most important person in your life you begin to take inventory of what really matters. Eternity seems so palpable you can taste it. And, if you’ll let Him, Jesus will use your pain to cause your heart to beat more fervently for what makes His heart beat.

My assistant makes me try new things .... so I did a Q&A on Facebook LIVE  (well at least we tried) and Instagram LIVE this week! We had a great time and got a lot of great questions!

I want to be intentional to teach him that Jesus has still blessed us even though we've lost the most important person in our world. I want him to see that we get to go to some fun places because his mommy loved Jesus very much and people are inspired by her life.

This was the last book Amanda was reading when she went to be with Jesus. It was more than just a book. It was the way she lived her life. 

Lately I’ve been having flashbacks. I’m not sure if they call this Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or not, but there have been multiple times over the past couple weeks where my mind almost involuntarily drifts to the morning I walked in and found Amanda.

It took me three months after Amanda was killed before I could go back into my house. I couldn’t bring myself to face the scene where I found her. I couldn’t muster up the courage to willingly walk back into those horrific memories. But I want you to know something that happened while I was in the house. I want you to see how, if you’ll let it, God’s Word can direct you in truth to comfort your unknowns.